This is the story of a scared girl who looks just like every other human being. Although, she is different in terms of living, loving, speaking and expressing herself. She fears to express herself, fears to love herself, fears to stand as an individual among others. She is not the usual person you meet every day. She is a scared self who hides the true self from the rest of the world, even the people she is close to.
The early stages of her life weren’t really good. Whatever she used to speak was suppressed with loud and judgy voices that indirectly made her lose her voice, her power to outshine in the world and developed a fear within her which grows bigger day by day. All the voice that she had in her died, all the confidence to fly high above the sky died.
During its transformation to become a young adult, she learned to distance herself from the rest of the world. She was close yet so distant from everyone. There was only one person that she used to talk the way she is, the way she wants and expressed herself but as time passed, the voice gradually faded away because the young girl didn’t want to strain the only person she has. That person was the only she has and never wanted to lose her and decided to mute herself, her feelings from everyone.
Gradually, she learned how to pretend in front of others so that no one could witness the true her. Although there have been times when she got exposed but she knew how to cover it up and didn’t let people know what goes in her every single day. Being a sufferer and knowing the pain, she tries to become the shoulder, the source of happiness of the others and motivates them because she doesn’t wanna see any other like her. But she is never able to motivate herself. She never spoke what she heard because she how badly it hurts and that’s the reason, she never shows her anger to anyone. She is a scared girl who does have a few people close to her that means the world to her, but sometimes they bring up all the bad memories in her through their actions, their words, unintentionally of course, but they do. They don’t know how their one single word is enough to tear her heart into pieces and again she losses herself. She is not depressed, she is just scared, scared to lose all she has right now and most importantly, scared to lose her in this world. With frequent outbreaks of crying and cursing herself under various circumstances, she losses herself bit by bit. Every morning she promises to herself to love herself, to fight her fears, but some things don’t let her. She doesn’t fake when she says she is losing herself; she means it that she isn’t good, she means it every single time when she asks you to don’t trigger her insecurities, her fears. Every single thing makes her lose her mind even more. She is not the usual ‘She’ she used to be once. Everything is lost, the ‘She’ is lost.
But despite all this, I see her as a strong person who still has the potential to spread her wings and fly high and I know she will because she is scared not broken.
– APREKSHA MATHUR